Self-loathing is nothing compared to when a person you truly love asked you to sit down and listen to her as she pours out all her resentment over the things that you’ve botched through the years.
That’s what happened to me today. My mom sat me down and asked me to listen to her as all 5-years worth of resentment came tumbling down her mouth. All along I thought hating myself was brutal, but what happened several hours ago took everything I am and tore it to pieces.
I don’t know what brought this up. Maybe she was going through something immeasurably tough and thought it would be a relief to pass some of the burden to me. Here’s a summary of what she said:
“I still can’t accept that you didn’t graduate on time. I bet it’s not even that difficult to pass your course. You knew that we were all counting on you, but you chose to waste a lot of time. And on what? Tell me! You could’ve lifted us all up from this shit by now if you tried your best. Can’t you at least try and be useful? Take any available job, for one. I thought I already made it clear that you’d be the one to pay for your sisters’ education. When did you become so selfish. Grow up and stop being so self-centered. ”
Mind you, up until yesterday, she said that everything’s fine and she understands that university life is tough. I may sound like I’m okay, but can you imagine? There’s nothing left to say but putangina. There’s nothing left to do but to continue being irrelevant, only now, with the added shit ton of load on my back that urges me to fall deeper into depression. Oh, how I love this life.