What Lies Behind the Shape of You

The most terrible and wonderful thing that life does is that it shapes you.

All the problems, all the people, success, failure, luck, fame, illness or downfall; every single experience molds you.

What comes with it is a decision to make. Anything that life throws at you, you can choose however you want to react. And as Albus Dumbledore once said, these choices show us what we truly are.

Lately, life has been throwing me the biggest rocks. At first, I was angry. I often said what anyone experiencing the worst of times would say, “WHY?” I felt hopeless and irretrievably broken. All I saw was darkness and the death of hope. I succumbed to depression and tried to take my own life. Well, you can see that I failed. I guess a small part of me wanted to live so here I am now.

I continued to be a dead woman walking for a few weeks. Then one day, I woke up and found that I’ve become a version of myself from a parallel universe.

All I remember is that it was as sudden and as unexpected as the first roar of thunder. There was no specific reason at all, no great motivation or inspiration, no single cause of the change. Maybe it was because of what Dumbledore said, I don’t know. But one day, I woke up on the right side of the bed and lived my life with a little hint of sunshine from then on.

My best bet is that it took a while, but this version of myself right now is a work in progress of what life intends to mold me into. My traumatic childhood, my success in middle school, the hell I went through in college, my probing and nosy relatives, our financial issues, my depression, friends, home life, all the mistakes I made, all the right turns I took, my hard-working yet emotional mother and my lying, cheating, never-present yet responsible father: It all adds up to this. I’ve been treading a tightrope and now I’m at the middle of it. Through everything, I now realize how life shaped me.

For the longest time, I’ve blamed life and all other entities I can blame for trying to stone me to death with problems. At that time, it seems like the only thing I can do. I realize now that it was what I chose to do.

It’s not easy, it seldom is. But now I choose to shrug some things off, take on life and look at things through slightly-colored glasses.


Life on the Fortress of Solitude

I’d like to think that i’m good at being alone.

I’ve never truly wanted someone to be with. Not since my parents split up. Well, maybe sometimes when I see a happy couple, i’ll be envious for a second but then it’ll pass and that’s it.

I like doing things on my own. I go to the movies by myself on a regular basis and enjoy traveling and grocery shopping alone. I love staying at home, cooking only for myself or cleaning the house in peace. I get by without any emotional support from other people (even though God knows how much I need it). I’m not bitter, I’ve never needed anyone else to pick me up from whatever kind of hell I find myself in from time to time. I’ve always thought i’d manage to live alone my whole life.

But when everything seems to be falling apart, like right now, I can’t help but wish that someone was here with me. Not necessarily a lover, maybe a friend. Someone who would just listen or crack the right jokes at just the right time, someone who would patiently wait while I try my hardest to stop crying, someone who would try to cheer me up by buying me a Twix candy bar. Someone who would tell me to stop sulking and suck it up because life goes on. Someone who would make me feel like everything’s okay just by sitting beside me while my whole world crumbles to a heap of ashes.

Sometimes, I think i’d pick a companion over being strong enough to conquer this shit by myself. But then reality slaps me hard across the face and reminds me that that’s not an option. And I guess that’s how I break the trance and survive with just me through all the bullshit.

Latin poetry, anyone?

A lot of people label me as pretentious.

Let’s see. I like poetry, on some occasions, I use highfalutin words (sometimes even when I know it’s unnecessary), I listen to classical music for pleasure, I enjoy reading Latin writings, I spend quite a lot of time looking at and appreciating abstract art, and I love sharing historical facts and trivia. I am also aware that I tend to point out grammar mistakes and the like.

Aside from the fact that I may have offended some people when I corrected their mistakes (I promise, I did it in a polite manner), I don’t understand why many find my hobbies annoying. I think it’s simply a conflict of interests. What they don’t realize is that that’s just one side of me.

Goddamn, I really do sound arrogant as fuck, don’t I? To hell with it, call me pretentious if you like.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S (???)

How do you know if it’s time to cut a person off of your life?

Seriously. Does the standard “pros and cons list” apply? Can you really pit “gives great advice” against “doesn’t pay debt?” Hell if I know.

I would say I have just about the right number of friends for an introvert. In truth though, I think I can count on my fingers which of them are real. But the real problem is, I don’t know if those who aren’t counted as “real” are worth keeping. I just can’t tell if the good outweighs the trouble they cause me, and it’s just not petty stuff, mind you. Some of them really affect my mental state. I’m really considering taking this matter to a shrink or something.

I am/not

This isn’t about what you think it’s about. Idk tho, maybe you’re right.

I love to write, but I don’t write that often. I am depressed, but I feel extremely motivated from time to time. I sometimes cry violently for no apparent reason. I am selfish at times, but on others, extremely giving. I feel like I have definite principles, but can still be swayed by public opinion on some occasions. I am too young. I am too old. My whole life is still ahead of me. I have already wasted my entire existence. I don’t know what path to take. I have a clear image of where I want to be. I am not who you think I am. You know exactly what kind of person I am. I am you. I am as random as the falling of rain…but is the falling of rain random? I cannot be defined. I want someone to figure me out. I am irrelevant. I secretly want some people to make me their priority. I am fine on my own. I will be someone relevant someday. I just want to get through life. I live for TV series and movies. I care about other people. I should love myself first. I am not gullible. I won’t read the whole article. I don’t give a damn about what other people think. Do I sound like what I want to sound like in this Facebook comment?

No, this isn’t just about me. Nothing’s wrong with you, honey. Humans are not on earth to emanate perfection. Just always try not to hurt anyone. Or destroy the planet.

Touch the Sky

The song “Touch the Sky” has been stuck in my head for about 3 weeks now. And because of this song, I often find myself looking up at the sky these days. With this newly formed habit, I start to find out more reasons to worship God.

See, if we just let go of our self-centeredness even for just a couple of seconds, we’d realize how great our God is. Look up at the sky. Its span is unfathomable and yet no one and nothing is beyond God’s reach. Can you imagine how God takes care of not only you, but all of his creation? Difficult to understand, but that’s just God’s grace at work. Look up at the sky once more. Not only does God take care of all of us, he also paints a different picture of the heavens everyday for us to enjoy.

As I sing the lyrics of “Touch the Sky” over and over again, the deeper its message sinks in.

I found my life when I laid it down
Upward falling, spirit soaring
I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground

Couldn’t have said it better. It is only through God that we find out who we truly are and what life really is all about. Laying down our life means surrendering; letting go and letting God use us for his purposes. As we kneel before God and let him write the story of our lives, everything will suddenly make sense and life will be full of meaning. We’ll touch the sky. The path we should take will automatically appear before us if we give the steering wheel to God.

You traded heaven to have me again

Who am I, Lord? That you’ll lay down your life in order to save me? I am no one. I am wretched and a sinner. I deserve death and suffering yet you still traded heaven, you traded a perfect life which you deserve for me to be able to join you someday. Your love is unfathomable, Lord.

Find me here at your feet again
Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender

For me, these lines tell us that we often go astray. There will always be times when we feel weak and succumb to temptation. This is when God calls out to us again. He pulls us, and we’ll find ourselves at his feet again; begging for forgiveness which we don’t deserve yet he gives away easily anyway out of love. Because of this grace, we vow to reach out, keep close and surrender everything to him.

Even the whole expanse of the sky cannot cover how much your grace and love abounds in us. Thank you, Lord.

when I see you again

My cousin died from a motorcycle accident.

i can’t even begin to comprehend what i’m feeling right now. I’m all out crying.

He was already a senior in college,just like me. Engineering. yeah, i know. i’ve heard the word “sayang” in his wake and funeral about a thousand times.

we weren’t really that close, but we always hung out and drink during holidays or whenever they drop by and give us a surprise visit. they live about 3 hours away but their family often stops by our house whenever they can. he was truly one of my favorites.

he was the jolliest. you would never see him frown. he always,always wears a smile on his face. he lightens up every room he enters. whatever you’re going through,he can brighten up your day. he has this weird intonation when he speaks which everyone absolutely adores. but most of all, he was kind. he was a good son, a good brother, a good cousin, a good friend.

I’ll be seeing you again someday. Let’s talk more,then. Bye for now,Pajo