Life on the Fortress of Solitude

I’d like to think that i’m good at being alone.

I’ve never truly wanted someone to be with. Not since my parents split up. Well, maybe sometimes when I see a happy couple, i’ll be envious for a second but then it’ll pass and that’s it.

I like doing things on my own. I go to the movies by myself on a regular basis and enjoy traveling and grocery shopping alone. I love staying at home, cooking only for myself or cleaning the house in peace. I get by without any emotional support from other people (even though God knows how much I need it). I’m not bitter, I’ve never needed anyone else to pick me up from whatever kind of hell I find myself in from time to time. I’ve always thought i’d manage to live alone my whole life.

But when everything seems to be falling apart, like right now, I can’t help but wish that someone was here with me. Not necessarily a lover, maybe a friend. Someone who would just listen or crack the right jokes at just the right time, someone who would patiently wait while I try my hardest to stop crying, someone who would try to cheer me up by buying me a Twix candy bar. Someone who would tell me to stop sulking and suck it up because life goes on. Someone who would make me feel like everything’s okay just by sitting beside me while my whole world crumbles to a heap of ashes.

Sometimes, I think i’d pick a companion over being strong enough to conquer this shit by myself. But then reality slaps me hard across the face and reminds me that that’s not an option. And I guess that’s how I break the trance and survive with just me through all the bullshit.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S (???)

How do you know if it’s time to cut a person off of your life?

Seriously. Does the standard “pros and cons list” apply? Can you really pit “gives great advice” against “doesn’t pay debt?” Hell if I know.

I would say I have just about the right number of friends for an introvert. In truth though, I think I can count on my fingers which of them are real. But the real problem is, I don’t know if those who aren’t counted as “real” are worth keeping. I just can’t tell if the good outweighs the trouble they cause me, and it’s just not petty stuff, mind you. Some of them really affect my mental state. I’m really considering taking this matter to a shrink or something.

I am/not

This isn’t about what you think it’s about. Idk tho, maybe you’re right.

I love to write, but I don’t write that often. I am depressed, but I feel extremely motivated from time to time. I sometimes cry violently for no apparent reason. I am selfish at times, but on others, extremely giving. I feel like I have definite principles, but can still be swayed by public opinion on some occasions. I am too young. I am too old. My whole life is still ahead of me. I have already wasted my entire existence. I don’t know what path to take. I have a clear image of where I want to be. I am not who you think I am. You know exactly what kind of person I am. I am you. I am as random as the falling of rain…but is the falling of rain random? I cannot be defined. I want someone to figure me out. I am irrelevant. I secretly want some people to make me their priority. I am fine on my own. I will be someone relevant someday. I just want to get through life. I live for TV series and movies. I care about other people. I should love myself first. I am not gullible. I won’t read the whole article. I don’t give a damn about what other people think. Do I sound like what I want to sound like in this Facebook comment?

No, this isn’t just about me. Nothing’s wrong with you, honey. Humans are not on earth to emanate perfection. Just always try not to hurt anyone. Or destroy the planet.